Lately, all I have wanted to do is scream.
Scream at every single person in my life.
No matter how small the reason.
My patience is so thin that you gotta look at it with a microscope.
I want to punch things and get angry until my throat is raw.
But I cannot.
I cannot because I have always been one to hold things in.
Obviously I would never hurt or lay a finger on another human being.
I would never scream at someone or intentionally hurt the ones I care about.
But oh my god, it has been increasingly clear to me lately how much I hold in.
Almost every single day I am frustrated and irritated to the point of wanting to explode.
I keep having to repeat myself to people.
And every single time that I do, my words come out harsher and shorter.
Which leads people to look at me like I have lost it and for them to ask me if I am alright.
I keep having to clean after grown adults.
I keep having to do things for people that I would rather no do because I am “such a nice and kind person.”
You ever feel that way.
When people have this painted image of you in their head.
Everybody thinks that I am such a wonderful and kind person.
But in reality, I am not.
I hate when my friend, Gace’s parents ask me why I am not like my friend Jason, who just graduated college.
Why I cannot be more like him.
That out of Jason and I, they would rather her be with Jason.
*in context, this was a conversation that happened a year ago*
And when I visit with Jason’s parents, they always look at me with pity.
Like I am some mangey mutt that Jason brought home and they had no other choice but to accept me because I am that pitiful.
I even feel as though if and when my girlfriend finally introduces me to her family, they will not accept me.
I told her that I loved her the other day.
She hugged me and told me that I was cute.
My heart dropped.
I told her that it was okay if she did not feel the same way, that she doesn’t need to feel pressured to reply back.
I’m always asking if she likes me back because I just need to be reassured that I am not wasting her time.
Because I only want to be the best for her and I do not even feel like I am.
I love her, but am I really worth all the trouble?
Am I worth the ranting and raving.
The constant mood swings.
The feelings of self doubt and worthlessness.
The times even when I am around her, I do not have the energy to fake a smile or a laugh because it is just too much work.
Am I worth all that for just the tiny amount of happiness that I may or may not bring?
The other day she asked me what was wrong because I was just in such a low mood and I replied with, “I am sorry, but I do not have to be happy all the time.”
I felt bad for saying it, but it was true.
It is so exhausting to fake feeling some way that you do not feel just to please others.
Not to mention that I cannot help how fast my moods change, which makes it so much harder.
I am so tired.
I am so tired of not feeling like myself.
I mean, in all honesty, I do not even know who I truly am.
Some days I feel like I am on top of the world.
But most of the time I feel like an angry beast that just needs to be locked up away from everybody around me so I do not end up harming them.
Then there are days when it feel like a huge hole has just opened up inside me and has sucked all of the warmth from my bones and has left me as nothing more than a hollow shell that can’t even function enough to crawl out of bed.
And all of these emotions, I feel them every single day.
I carry them like chains around my ankles, weighing me down until I can’t even stand.
Until all I can do is drag myself along the ground with my fingers, not even knowing why I continue to move forward.
I just want to be happy.
And I always say that I want others to be happy too because I do, but I am so tired of putting others happiness in front of my own.
I mean, why the hell am I fucking background character in my own life?
It is a nightmare.
And I am so ready to wake up from it.